While growing up, I was a fat kid, this never truly left me, and still haunts me, following me around today. In high school, I felt like a third wheel, my friends having partners, and I, the single perverted guy, trying to be funny to compensate for my loneliness. I walked with my head hung down, staring at the ground each step of the way. I was too awkward to ask a female out and when I did it was done two steps ahead of their level. Maybe I did have that "old soul" that I often heard. I failed, but I learned, and when I learned, I progressed, that was, and is, my way.
Meeting Maria changed all that. She brought me companionship. She brought me that closure to the proverbial hole in my heart, which often inspired and woke those dark thoughts that flirted with me. The stigma, for the most part, had vanished, but sometimes for kicks I conjure him up and take a peak at him in the mirror. I usually tell him to, "shut the fuck up," and then move on to the next thought, stuffing him back down.
Social media doesn't help. In fact I watch analytics closely, on my blogs, my videos, and my posts and I see the "likes" pressed, the "comments" or clicks on my posts, and to no avail, that shadow of doubt creeps in, blending with the dark corners. I stuff that doubt back from where it came. I use social media as a platform to promote my writing, that is all. Never in my life will I let low self esteem take control. I will never compete with those around me, that chapter of life is done.
Life is too important to not be confident. Had I competed in high school, and was skilled enough to jump into a relationship, my life could be very different today, even sad and ugly. I'm glad that I'm in love with my wife and the world around me, I draw confidence from it. That fat kid, yes he visits me from time to time, but I don't like him, he's ugly, and he attempts to tarnish all that he touches. I will never let him, or life in the world on social media, define me. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for reading!
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